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A is for Alyssa

A is for Alyssa who fell down the stairs.
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July 8th, 2007
new journal!!

adddd it and stufff

November 12th, 2006
 awwI dont have friends anymore. Theres no one I call and say "Im bored, lets do something" I dont speak to anyone I used to talk to. In fact, I dont really talk to anyone anymore. In a way I'm dieing for more human interaction yet when i get around people I dont bother talking to them. I think its the lack of options I have at my school. I talk to the people i was in the play with, because I spent so goddamn much time with them and we became pretty good friends. I talk to a few random kids around town and thats about it. I used to conciter myself part of a group of friends. Now I dont have a group and it feels really strange to me. I dont want to go back to anyone because theres no one around like me. I know people with the same values and interests exist, but where are they? I'm getting sick again, for a while i thought smoking was a sham, that it did no harm to you. After a few years now its starting to kill me. A few years now, where has the time gone? If life goes by this fast I might as well get used to being alone for the rest of my days.  I'd like an artsy boy, whos the same as me, who likes to dress in completely nonsense clothes. Thats what i need, i dont want any friends, id like a loverboy.
3 comments|CMNT

November 9th, 2006

hello LJ
its been a  while
i thought id update, i dont know why.
everythings been all mixed up lately. i dont have time to do anything, i go to play practice, yeah im in a play and i hate it, and i sleep. Thats all i can do. Im not happy. I should be, ive got every material thing i could want,  a bmw convertible, a new camera, a new cell. All this crap, but i just want my dad back. Ive been working on alot of photography.. not so much digital anymore.  my portfolio is crap. I dont even know if id ever have a chance at doing anything with photography. I dont really have any talent. I feel like im just another wannabe in the middle of her "i want to be a photographer stage" i know im not though, ive had cameras since i was old enough to talk. I love everything about it i think in photographs, every image in my head is a still picture and i think of how beautiful that image could be. its your stamp on time. someday someone will see a photograph with you in it, and theyll know you existed, but then again, so many people think they take brilliant photographs too. I guess its kind of like the art for the untalented. I mean, no offense to any of those photographers that have made it, but people that want to be involved with art that have no skill in it turn to photography. I think ive got a pretty good handle on the art business though, so that means im an exception, right? id like to work in art, and be a starvign artist somewhere on the streets, but im "not allowed to do so" i dont even know anymore.  i miss being sure of things. ill probably end up  being stuck here in nepa, writing for the abington journal. thatd be hot right? i could have like a million cats and live by myself in the middle of nowhere in a crappy cat piss apartment. my dream life right there. i want to be in the city. i smoke and drink too much again, its getting bad. kindof like how it used to be. i dont want to go down that path again, i know i will though. half way there. 

woaah oh were half way thereee

uh killer entry, right?


August 25th, 2006


um, its been a while.
summer is over i hate cold weather

uh, things have been okay lately. my moms alright, she says that she needs to keep busy so we've been working like mad. seriously. i miss my dad a lot.  most of the time im alright, but sometimes i get really sad, and uh theres nothing im going to do about that. so its something ive learned to deal with.

europe was amazing. i was seriously ready to not get on the plane to come home. i hate it here, its just so much different. i belong in prauge.

jersey was another amazing year.. yet again

im going to backpack across europe. i mean, im still young and theres so much more i want to see. i could travel to where i wanted- no one to hold me back and say "i dont think we should go to that place, its bad" or whatever. just like freedom. this way i could decide wehre i want to live. because i know, that i wont be living in america. i just dont belong here. i fit in, and can function well there. it suits me. 

i miss kara. 

i havent been to a show in weeks and its really fucking depressing.  blah blah blah. all these stupid excuses.  i dont get it. my favorite place to be and i cant even go.  i missed big d tonight. 

im so sick of all this bullshit. 

i cleaned myself up for a while- i didnt even smoke cigarettes briefly.
eff that- europe was a pack and several bottles a day plus whatever else i could find.
and it was the best time of my life
who cares if i die early? if its your time you deal.
theres nothing youre going to do about it.

i dont know anything else to say, 
i thought id update because i dont know when ill remember this journal again. 

i dont really like computers anymore,
and i dont really use my cell phone anymore
we dont need bullshit like that.
you run into someone- super you hang out,
but its not like you need to call them and ask
its bullshit
thats not what lifes about- planning and sitting around.


June 22nd, 2006

europe is kicking my ass


June 13th, 2006
so uh,
yesterday my dad died.
um.. i got a call around 11:30, from my dads boss that he passed out, and was being taken to the hospital. I guess he felt disoriented, and sat down and passed out. And the guy that was with him started CPR, and the ambulance came, and they couldnt revive him. It was a massive heart attack i guess. yesterday was awful, worst day of my life. My moms an absolute mess. yesterday i was bawling and friends of the family, and my family members would walk into my room, collapse onto my bed and bawl their eyes out, and try to comfort me.  They'd say "anything you need just let me know"  "im so sorry"     "i dont know what to say". it was awful. Its amazing how many people care about you, and its sad that an awful event like this has to bring it out. Im really grateful that i have people that care about me. like, i never realized i had so many people willing to help me out and be there for me. theres soo sos soso much food in the house, everyone wants to help out, so they bring food over. bens friends are really good people, theyre here alot and they keep helping with the barn. shannon took me swimming today at johns which really made me feel better.. ed jeremy and john are such good people too. karas been so nice through everything. i dont know what id do without these kids. 

it really scares me to see my mom such a wreck. she keeps saying things like "im trying ot be supportive but right now im so confused and afraid of the future. i dont know what we're going to do.. i just dont know"   its absolutely awful. 

its really surreal, i keep expecting him to walk in the door and be like "hey guys, im a little late for dinner."  but i know its never going to happen, and its sad.  you always hear about peoples parents dieing, but you never think it'll be you.   just tell your parents you love them more often.   

the last thing he said to me was "make wise choices"

its really sad

thank you guys for everything
6 comments|CMNT

June 4th, 2006


hey kids
 Umm, saturday night was chill and such. shannon and i went out. we spent the whole day together.. and uh then eventually found ourselves at my house with payphone. ahh yeah. good story right?
umm, i hate feeling unwanted. cause uh, thats pretty much the worst feeling ever. 

schools almost over, and its scary. Shannon and i talked about everything for like an hour last night. and uh its crazy. life is going to be over in like a flash. our lives are almost a third of the way over. and uh, these are the best years of our life. and i dont want to grow up. good summary right?

uh i have ppicccutres to update. 
im lazy though
yeah, thats the whole reason i updated was to say that uh, ive got pictures to put up that i probably wont get to untill after finals

thrreeeeee more dayyyysssssssss

umm, also uh, im leaving soon, like really fricken soon. this summers going to fly by and i know it.

1 comment|CMNT

May 31st, 2006


May 29th, 2006
So I belive an update would be cool.
Friday night, i babysat. umm, and got chinese with ben. Then went to the farmhouse with ben barbauto and gibsey (fat, damnit).  and uh, played all types of games.  Then i woke up in my bed saturday morning.

 I chilled and such all day, then shannon came over and we got real dressed up for the Gear Ball. We looked damn hawt. So uh, we went there, we met richard gear, julia roberts, sting, amanda bynes, and uh some other people. it was cool. Then we went to the waffle house and such. and saw lots of people. got looked at alot. killed our feet, etc. then shannon slept over.

I have tons of pictures from saturday ill post

Sunday was my birthday, so i went with my mom to buy stuff.  She got me an ipod nano, yeah im a trendy fuck now. I didnt think id like it, but i needed something to put music on for europe. and uh, it turns out theyre cool as hell! yeah! and uh, i got a new polaroid camera, and a new regular picture kind of camera with sweet lenses and filters and such. its damn cool.  they said i have one more surprise but uh, i dont know when im getting it.   so whatever.

then sunday night i chlled with kara, she made me cake, and found me that "Happy Place" Cd.. which is uh.,.. fricken amazing.  We did random stuff, like found chairs and a christmas tree by the road, and shoved them in her car. later on we sat in the chairs outside of sheetz for a million hours as ed sang the thong song acousticly. haha new word. and uh, we also went to st. ubaldo's carnival thing. 

it was cool. 
i <3 ipods. 

May 26th, 2006
heya freaks
today kicked my ass.
it was cool i suppose
i had a huge crush on the electronics subs all day. 1 word.. damn.   haha he was like young and such.. hes real funny, someone asked for a paper or something and he goes "here, fill this bad boy out."  haha just thought id mention that cause uh, he was cool. 

right now im babysitting chelsy, cause uh thats what all the cool kids do on their friday nights. but hey whatever.
um, yeah. 
tomorrow night is the Gear Ball. heck yes.. i pretty much cant wait to get super dressed up, and wear high heels, and such.
then sunday isss my birthday. 

ive decided i love these lyrics

Actors they're pretending
and singers they will sometimes lie
kids are always honest
they don't think their ever gonna die
oh your the pretty smartest captain of the team
I love you more than being 17 

so uh, yeah..

for my birthday all i'd like is for someone to take me out for a sweet night full of amazing adventures that only happen once in a lifetime, such as finding a lottery ticket for 1010000 million dollars, or perhaps shooting a president, maybe even being elected president..
who knows

make it happen

have your people call my people

May 22nd, 2006

so uh, yeah.

i hate learning french
mm.. today i watched ghost busters with ben and barbauto later showed up.
and uh, thats pretty much the story of my life. 

haha damn, i thought today was tuesday all day. so i kept thinking "oh man im get to go swimming tonight"  but uh, no its fuckin monday. 

i havent worn makeup in 2 weeks.. except for saturday.  idk why.. i thhiiink it might be because ive completely stoped trying to accomplish or do anything. yeah, i look like shit. i dont even care anymore.  my hair is disgusting.. and uh, im prooobably not even going to wash it tonight. gross? oh yeah.  haha

i bought the the violent femmes first CD on sunday.. and uh.. its amazing.  yeah.. its really weird music.. like different.  but its sosos sosooo sososo good. you'd enjoy it.  i think. 

haha i took this picture for shannon.. cause uh
its probably the best best best inside joke in the whole world.
you wont get it, but she will..


May 21st, 2006

a few pictures from today



May 21st, 2006


May 20th, 2006
so uh hey kids.

mm.. stuff is good.
last night i played video games. yeah.. thats it.   cause im so damn cool.  then i didnt do anything all day. 
tonight im hanging out with hawttie mc hawtster, cause uh, its pretty much a saturday night tradition to go out..then come here and take pictures. haha

ive been listening to alot of beck lately, and violent femmes. 

recommend me some new music..?  dont be shy..

this update was pointless. 

May 18th, 2006

1 comment|CMNT

May 17th, 2006



May 17th, 2006
umm, i pretty much give up. 
so heres a note for you-
Youre awful confusing, i dont understand you. so uh, i quit.  if youd like to talk to me YOU can call, or YOU can IM me. but i give up. dont just mess with my head, cause that sucks, and its not fun for myself. anyway. a summary--  i quit, have a nice life.

anyway...  =)

Ben was in the hospital for a while, he almost died.  hes going to be living here for the summer.  barbauto practically lives here too and its not even summer yet. funny? oh yeah. sarahs moving here for a while i think too? hahaha and shannon pretty much lives here, so shes included.
hmm.. full house?  we could have our own sitcom.  
"A crazy mother, a loveable dad, living with 2 drunken idiots, an artsy chick, a weird teenage girl, the athletic adopted child... and shannon"
hm, i think ill sleep on that. 

alright, yeah. later kidds

a million and a half pictures [Monday
May 15th, 2006

3 comments|CMNT

May 10th, 2006
[ mood | indifferent ]


May 9th, 2006

i just realized how many times i say


i pretty much sound like an idiot

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